It's been a while since the last time I had a post. I've been pretty busy with all these back-to-school retreats, work training and just getting ready for a new school year to begin. The days have been dragging on, but one thing I was looking forward to when the start of school was coming closer was the fact many people would be coming back. One person I was really excited to have come back was the one person who has had my heart for almost two years now.
Over the summer it seemed he was growing a lot. He finally began to think on his own and seemed to have problems with opinions his mother had, which is wonderful because (even though he hasn't admitted it to me) his mom's opinion of the relationship. I'm not sure which is the ultimate reason she told him he shouldn't date me is, but I do know of two concerns she had no problem sharing with him. One reason I was told about was the fact I'm Catholic. Trust me, being Catholic is not code for being uptight and judgmental, nor is it code for a complete slut. Even though he's not Catholic, why should religion be a factor when a relationship is just getting started? Something to add to that is he's Episcopalian which, except a few things, is pretty darn close to Catholicism. The religion problem she has with me is something continually getting under my skin each time I remember it.
The second reason, and the reason he has stuck to and repeated to me the most, is the friendship. He told me he doesn't want to potentially lose my friendship if something goes south. Yes, I know this is something to take into consideration, but dear God almighty, why does a 'what if' scenario get to dictate the whole future of a relationship? How many people plan to break up with someone they have feeling for before they even get together? It honestly just blows my mind he's willing to throw away the best thing either of us could have had for something that shouldn't be affecting us in the right now.
This brings me to the main point of this post. The boy came back to our town on Tuesday night. We got to hang out and it was supposed to be a night to be with friends. Well, I have no idea what happened, but all I know is him and I said maybe 8 sentences to one another all night. Neither of us know what to say to the other it seems. I've always been more of the one to get things rolling in our relationship and it doesn't look like he's ready to try and break the awkwardness between us. I know I need to be the one to speak up if I ever want this relationship to survive, but it's hard when he seems to have changed into someone I don't even know.
He makes comments about girls I've never heard before. He'll see an attractive girl and say things like, "How you doin'?" He doesn't say it to them, but says it to the group we're hanging out with so we know what he's thinking. Apparently sorority girls are his new type, he tries to be so much like his roommates that he tries to overcompensate looking masculine. This person he's turning into is concerning me because it's not him. If it is him, I don't believe I want to even know him any longer.
The thing killing me the most about this is his actions and new self are driving me away faster than any of our problems when we decided not to let our relationship grow any more. We were together for a month, just not official, before it fell apart. Even though I was physically hurting from the pain of the break, crying whenever I was watching a Rockies game, upset beyond belief, but I was able to swallow it to be his friend. I was able to have conversations with him without it getting awkward. I still knew the person he was inside, but now I don't think that person exists any longer and the friendship he was so afraid of losing is the exact one I'm afraid is coming to an end soon.
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