One of the Guys

Preservation Leads to the End

2011-08-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last time I had a post. I've been pretty busy with all these back-to-school retreats, work training and just getting ready for a new school year to begin. The days have been dragging on, but one thing I was looking forward to when the start of school was coming closer was the fact many people would be coming back. One person I was really excited to have come back was the one person who has had my heart for almost two years now.

Over the summer it seemed he was growing a lot. He finally began to think on his own and seemed to have problems with opinions his mother had, which is wonderful because (even though he hasn't admitted it to me) his mom's opinion of the relationship. I'm not sure which is the ultimate reason she told him he shouldn't date me is, but I do know of two concerns she had no problem sharing with him. One reason I was told about was the fact I'm Catholic. Trust me, being Catholic is not code for being uptight and judgmental, nor is it code for a complete slut. Even though he's not Catholic, why should religion be a factor when a relationship is just getting started? Something to add to that is he's Episcopalian which, except a few things, is pretty darn close to Catholicism. The religion problem she has with me is something continually getting under my skin each time I remember it.

The second reason, and the reason he has stuck to and repeated to me the most, is the friendship. He told me he doesn't want to potentially lose my friendship if something goes south. Yes, I know this is something to take into consideration, but dear God almighty, why does a 'what if' scenario get to dictate the whole future of a relationship? How many people plan to break up with someone they have feeling for before they even get together? It honestly just blows my mind he's willing to throw away the best thing either of us could have had for something that shouldn't be affecting us in the right now.

This brings me to the main point of this post. The boy came back to our town on Tuesday night. We got to hang out and it was supposed to be a night to be with friends. Well, I have no idea what happened, but all I know is him and I said maybe 8 sentences to one another all night. Neither of us know what to say to the other it seems. I've always been more of the one to get things rolling in our relationship and it doesn't look like he's ready to try and break the awkwardness between us. I know I need to be the one to speak up if I ever want this relationship to survive, but it's hard when he seems to have changed into someone I don't even know.

He makes comments about girls I've never heard before. He'll see an attractive girl and say things like, "How you doin'?" He doesn't say it to them, but says it to the group we're hanging out with so we know what he's thinking. Apparently sorority girls are his new type, he tries to be so much like his roommates that he tries to overcompensate looking masculine. This person he's turning into is concerning me because it's not him. If it is him, I don't believe I want to even know him any longer.

The thing killing me the most about this is his actions and new self are driving me away faster than any of our problems when we decided not to let our relationship grow any more. We were together for a month, just not official, before it fell apart. Even though I was physically hurting from the pain of the break, crying whenever I was watching a Rockies game, upset beyond belief, but I was able to swallow it to be his friend. I was able to have conversations with him without it getting awkward. I still knew the person he was inside, but now I don't think that person exists any longer and the friendship he was so afraid of losing is the exact one I'm afraid is coming to an end soon.

Three Strikes & You're Out

2011-07-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

So last week my best friend texted me and told me she met a guy who wanted to date me. I thought this was a little strange, but she explained she met him through another friend and somehow the conversation turned to me. She told this guy what I wanted to do for a living and showed him a picture of me. I figured why not give it a chance and she gave him my phone number. Well, it's been a week and I'm already fed up. I'm not usually a hard person to get along with, but this guy and I just have nothing to continue this relationship with.

Part of me is upset about it because I have, once again, driven a guy away. I just think it would be nice to be able to find someone. I'm realistic enough to know not every guy will be 'the one,' but it would be nice to have someone who is my one for the moment. The other part of me-the bigger part-knew I didn't want it to work because the only big reason for me wanting to is because of the possibility of making someone jealous. I know that sounds pathetic and bad, but I promise I'm not that type of person. The idea crosses my mind, but I have yet to attempt this except when I just say I'm into someone else.

However, this week experience has opened my eyes to things that drive me absolutely crazy, and what I have as deal breakers. I know I shouldn't be super picky, but I'm also looking for someone who will last. Here are some of the things that this past week made me think about. The balls are things that I'm okay with and the strikes are steps closer to me being done with the guy from this past week.

Ball 1: He works two jobs. He was discharged from the military and is now saving to attend a police academy. I feel this is very respectable.

Ball 2: He's a nice guy. The fact my best friend approved of him means a lot to me. She wouldn't have suggested him and I talk if she didn't think he was nice. He seemed generally interested in what I would have to say and would try to get to know me.

Strike 1: He was a little too friendly. One thing that drives me crazy is someone who will text you a million times if you don't text back within a few minutes. It's really just plain annoying. If I want to text you, I will text you back when I'm not too busy to text you. Another creepy thing was the second day we were texting, he asked if I wanted to go to the mall with him to look at a new ipod for him. I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to meet anyone I've only sent a combined 20 texts with. If it was with a friend who was introducing us, fine, but when he's already inviting me places when we don't even know the other's last names' is too fast.

Strike 2: He's close-minded. I know we all have our opinions, but if you're going to think others are dumb in their opinions, don't be a dick about it. I am both a huge country music fan and baseball. Country music is one of the only types of non-Christian music that actually has any real feels and emotions attached to the songs. I cannot tell you how many times a country song has been able to express exactly how I feel. Well, apparently country music all just says the same thing and has no emotional value to it whatsoever (this coming from someone who thinks Nicki Minaj is the best singer there is... ummm???). And with baseball, he thinks it's boring and there is no point to it. That I understand, I have heard that excuse a million times, BUT when he said this I realized how involved baseball is in my life. I absolutely love baseball, I want to work for the Colorado Rockies when I graduate and I am currently listening to tonight's game as I type. I'm not sure how this is going to work into future relationships, but I at least need someone who will understand my obsession and won't complain or try to turn off the game on me (if I'm not where I want to be in a few years).

Strike 3: If you're 22, don't act like you're two. So, I am a sociology minor. I thought about triple majoring, but decided against it. Sociology just makes sense to me. When I was explaining my theory that those who like blonde hair/blue eyes on girls are those who saw those images most while growing up. With that is the big boob and skinny characteristics often compared to a Barbie doll. He then asked me what my thoughts were about people who like Mustangs. I gave my opinion, and he was insulted by it. Granted, he drives an '05 Mustang, but my opinion doesn't change. I think any guy who owns a Mustang that is later than the mid-70's are just buying them because of the name. I also think a guy who owns a Mustang is attempting to make up for something down south. I think the Mustang has also been crap up until '07. Even with these models, I think they're a little feminine looking. However, I understand I hurt his ego, but I really think it's unreasonable to bring it up every five minutes after I've apolagized for telling him what my opinion was.

Am I completely wrong for calling three strikes?

Mixed Signals

2011-07-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Prior to writing this entry, I started typing three or four different one-different topics, different everything. I was having problems figuring out exactly what I wanted to write because every time I would begin to get to the point, I would forget what point I was trying to make. The only constant is the boy who is the inspiration behind most of my writing these days.

This boy has been the object of my affections since college started for the two of us. Him and I are both in the summer before junior year and our relationship has gotten stronger, but now, I'm afraid him and I might have been reduced to what we were before the beginning of sophomore year. Not that I'm complaining, totally, but we had a better relationship after. Him and I became best friends. It was easy for me to talk to him about anything that was bothering me and he was opening up to me as well. We had a strong relationship by the time winter break was finishing. That brings us to about mid-January. By the time the start of February came around, he FINALLY began to feel for me the way I felt for him. I was ecstatic. Nothing was able to bring me down.

Fast forward to the summer. After tears, hurt, and a lot of different events, our whirlwind of a romance ended about as quickly as it started. His big reason (although I still believe it's because he still needs to grow a pair) was he didn't want our friendship ruined. He felt it was easier, and blah, blah, blah. So fine, we're friends. One thing is different though, nothing has really changed from how it was before our friendship grew. We don't talk too often and it feels more like small talk than ever before. Am I just looking too much into things? Or is the friendship not as big a priority in his eyes as he led me to believe? Trust me, I know a lot of guys and I know he is included in the bunch that doesn't feel text messaging is a proper way to hold great conversations, but is it too much to ask for a little bit of recognition? I just feel we're back at square one and have no idea how to change what has possibly become less of a friendship that him and I have ever had.

Listen to your Heart

2011-06-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Over and over and over again, I hear the phrase, "Listen to your heart." It makes sense. I mean, I do believe everyone should do what they love in life, but how exactly do we know what our heart is telling us? I can only say from my own experience, but my heart has yet to pop out of my chest and tell me what to do. There is always the conflict of head and heart--this is something I can easily relate to--but how can we know which is the correct way to go?

I don't think we really can know exactly what our heart is telling us because we have so much hustle and bustle in the world around us, preventing us to hear only what we need. I think this is where faith comes in. God is in all of our hearts and regardless of what we are thinking, hearing, or believe our heart is telling us, God will make sure we do what is needed to stay on the path we need. You know that little voice in the back of your head that is screaming the answer but you're not sure if you should listen to it? DO!! That is God telling you what you need to pick. Lord knows I don't always listen to that voice, and sometimes I feel the voice contradicts itself, but you need to have faith in that voice. Even if you don't listen to it, God already knows it and will always be there when you need him. He is even there when you think you don't, sending signs and telling you what will help you best throughout your life.

Take today for example. I have been praying to know if I should keep waiting for the same boy I have been waiting on for close to two years now. I say boy because--despite the fact that he's 20--he has yet to grow enough that his mom's opinion doesn't affect every decision he makes. Not that his relationship with his mom is a bad thing, but he has yet to act in a way different than what his mom tells him to do. That is why him and I are now back to just friends instead of the relationship I have wanted for so long. I was praying last night, asking God to just let me know if it is His will to keep holding onto my feelings, or if He wants me to move on. Then, while I was watching the first episode of the fifth season of Dawson's Creek, He gave me my answer. It's time to cut the cord. Joey and Dawson have had a ongoing relationship/romance/friendship since they were 15. They are now freshman in college and Joey realized she needs to cut the cord and stop holding onto the past. Joey was waiting for Dawson to just show up at her door, but he hadn't. Even though he ended up at her door at the end of the episode, I feel God was sending me a message that I need to cut the cord with Ben (the boy who crushed my heart). I don't think our friendship is going to end, but the possibility of something more than friends.

I don't know if cutting the cord is the ultimate ending in the story of Ben and me, but for now, I do think that is the answer. I cannot tell you how much better I felt after I came to this realization.

I know I seem to contradict myself in this article, but I do believe one must listen to his/her heart, but I think it's impossible to know exactly what it is telling you. God is in your heart and will tell you what you need to do, but it is still our own free will to decide for ourselves what to do. Regardless of what we do, God already knows what it will be and will be there for us every step of the way.

The Reliable Ones

2011-06-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

When I was going to start writing today, I was going to talk about the homily I listened to from this past weekend. We were talking about the Holy Trinity. Pentecost is now over, as is the celebration of the Holy Spirit coming down to the followers of Jesus Christ after he has been sent into Heaven. In the homily, Fr. told us something to the affect of not looking back, but looking forward. God has a plan for us all, and we just need to let go. I remember thinking of how much that reminded me of rain.

And yet, when I sat down to start typing, I have Gilmore Girls on in the background, and Lorelai is telling Luke how she has few people she can always rely on. Her daughter, her best friend, and Luke. The mixture of what I was going to write about and what I'm thinking about right now have now come together in my head. We all have at least one person we can always rely on. It can be a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a best friend, family, God, but the one person I feel most of us leave out is ourself. At least for me, I know I can always rely on my family and a few of my friends, the Lord always, but I never think about relying on myself. When I think about the future, I see myself with at least one other person at all times that I can rely on. I know of one person I know I can count on here on Earth outside of my family that will always be with me. There's a reason we decided senior year of high school that we would have a weekly/monthly dinner with one another as one of our teachers always has with her best friend. This girl has been there through thick and thin and there is no way I can live my life without her.

God will never give anything we cannot handle. He sends people into our lives that can help us through whatever situation is at hand. These relationships make us stronger, and the uphill battles is what makes the relationships stronger. And with everyone, he has sent us someone, besides His son, that He knows can help us throughout every situation, and that's us. Me. We always look for someone else to help, but always blame ourselves first. We see our every flaw (especially the ones that don't even exist), and refuse to see and trust in ourselves as we do others.

God made us all in His image because he knows what we will and will not be able to handle. He knows we are stronger than we think we are, but we refuse to see it ourselves. We need to see ourselves as God sees us. We all have weaknesses, and those weaknesses are the reason God sends others to help us. However, with every weakness is an even stronger strength, and we need to start looking at those and believing in ourselves as God believes in us. After God we need to rely on ourselves second--know God always has a plan, and we need to embrace the many gifts He has blessed us with.

Let it Rain

2011-06-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

I think my obsession with the healing powers of rain started when I was in 7th grade. There was this Disney Channel movie, Pixel Perfect, that I loved. I watched it as many times that I could. Part of it had to do with a story line that I have always loved. Girl and boy are friends, girl gets feelings for boy, boy doesn't realize her feelings and, after some sort of dramatic climax, boy realizes he loves girl too. However, the story line is not what sparked my love for rain. The closing song spoke about how rain and tears are almost the same thing. Both of them try to bring something new out of everything. Rain is a relief to many because it brings moisture and beauty to the world. Tears occur when something is happy or sad, but the sadness is most like the rain because it is always a mourning period that bring them on. Like rain, the tears allow me to let everything out I have been holding in. And just like when the rain stops, when the tears stop the light at the end of the tunnel appears and things start to feel better.

When it rains, I love it. It brings me joy because I know it is God's sign for me to start feeling better. Since March 22 it seems to have been raining so much. I remember that night in particular because it rained just before the pain that I am still having problems getting over began. I'm not going to go into the details at the moment because rain is the important subject of my writing today.

Growing up a tomboy, I always wanted to appear so tough. I thought crying was a sign of weakness and hated it when I would cry. However, my wonderful hormones decided to get the better of me. I am actually one of the biggest criers you will ever find. The irony is I get choked up and start creating rivers frequently because of movies and television. For whatever reason I cry wayyy to easily when I am watching something. Sometimes I only cry once, but there are still others that always bring on the tears. Some of those include Dear John, Tangled, Harry Potter 5, 6, and 7 part 1 (I'll let you know about part 2, but since I still cry each time I read the book I think it will make it's way to this list), and the strangest of all is Rudy. I love the movie Rudy, and not just because Notre Dame is my favorite team to follow in collegiate sports (don't laugh, they still have a great football program and more of you would see that if the NCAA would get their shit together and make a real bowl system), but because of the story behind it.

However, when I'm not watching movies and television shows, it takes a lot for me to cry. I still have the testosterone mindset that showing others your tears shows them your weaknesses as well. Even my absolute best friend has seen me cry once or twice in the five years I have known her. I remember that March night when a relationship ended before it really started and how much I was trying not to cry in front of him. I wouldn't look him in the eyes because I just couldn't let him see me like that. After that night I had a really busy weekend and I didn't even have time to cry. The ironic part is, once I did I finally started feeling better. Granted it is still not all healed now, but crying, like the rain, bring out growth once we let it come down.

It was raining last night and the rain started coming down, slow at first, and then it started coming down a lot quicker. I was having an alright day, but the rain was God telling me (for the millionth time) that everything will be okay. I just need time after the rain before I can see everything clear again.

Introductions!

2011-06-15T15:10:00.001-07:00

I am Sam, Sam i am. Either way you spin it my name is one that can be either male or female. For me in particular, Sam is short for Samantha. With the exception of very few, I am known as Sam. I always have been, and probably will be until my broadcasting career starts. Granted, even then my close friends and family probably won't be making the switch.

What exactly is my point in drawing so much to my first name? The great play-write William Shakespeare is even quoted (in one of the most overrated plays) questioning, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." (Romeo and Juliet) Well, it goes along with who I am and part of the reason for the start of this blog. I am an inspiring journalist and also a major Tomboy. Through my entire life I have been one of the boys. My first best friend? Male. Even in college, where I would have thought I could get past being 'one of the guys,' I still am always the friend, and never the girlfriend.

I might sound as if I'm complaining--trust me, this is nothing--but it's me. I am a planner and my plan was to be married a year or two after college. Only I'm half way through my four-year college life and have only had one official boyfriend since starting. This monologue is one I know many girls share. So far, nothing has changed for me, but maybe my story and my experiences can inspire others to carry on the courage to find love and to have that love returned.

One thing that always keeps me going is my relationship with God and His son, Jesus Christ. I have been Catholic my whole life--please don't let this turn you away--I was baptized and have continued my faith in the Lord to this day. I'm not perfect, and there have been way too many times I have turned away from the Lord and the love he gives me. Regardless, He always finds a way back into my life, and for that I am truly blessed. No matter the hardship, God has always helped me through the storm. One thing I seem to always be praying about is my relationship status. I always wonder why I haven't dated, why no guy seems interested more than just hanging out. I still struggle with these questions, but my faith and heart always find a way to guide me.

You'll learn more about me later, but I just thought I would start with a quick introduction. If you ever have any questions, comments, etc. hit me up!

God Bless